Stafford Courtship Accountability Program
Are you ready to find your marriage partner? Would you like a road map to help you navigate the online courtship process responsibly? In honor of the late Pastor Stafford who oversaw our premarital counseling sessions, we'd like to call this the Stafford Way.
Step 0: Make sure you are really ready for marriage.
We don't recommend you move forward with seeking a marriage partner or engaging in any romantic relationships unless you have fulfilled the following:
- Have finished all the higher education or career training or licensing that you need to support yourself independently, and you are no longer seeking higher education in the foreseeable future.
- As a man, have been living independently and working in your career for at least a couple of years.
- Baptized member of your chosen church denomination
- At least 21 years old, but ideally, not younger than 25 years of age
- Willing to be transparent with prospects
- Willing to have accountability in the courtship process (parents, older married friend or relative, church elder or pastor)
Step 1: Find an accountability partner.
This is the MOST important, defining feature of the Stafford Way. The Biblical model of courtship always involves parental accountability. They must also be happy with the future partner you choose. The best way to achieve that is to sit down with them at the beginning of the process before you set your heart on anyone and ask them a simple question: What qualities are essential to you in my future spouse? Take their advice seriously, as they know you better than anyone. If they are God-fearing people, offer to include them in the screening process of prospects. If they are not or do not want to help you screen people, then find another accountability partner that is older and wiser than you --- an older married friend or relative, a church elder or pastor. Do not skip this step if you are serious about following God's way in courtship.
The most important agreement you must make with your accountability partner is this:
I will not become romantic with ANYONE that does not first get their approval.
I will not become romantic with ANYONE that does not first get their approval.
Step 2: Fine tune a list of minimal screening qualifications for prospects.
Here are the areas you should consider that should be fairly easy to find as you go through online profiles.
- Online Biography Description: We recommend that someone includes mentioning the importance of their relationship with God
- Religion: We recommend baptized member of SAME church
- Age range
- Educational Level: We recommend Equivalent or Higher for prospective husbands
- Job Status: We highly recommend "Currently working and DONE with school"
- Marital Status: Never been married, widowed, or divorced
- Children Status: We recommend no current children, unless you do not want your own children and willing to care for another's.
- Location: We recommend they be located in same country and ideally within 5 hours
Step 3: Make yourself available to meet prospects.
There are 3 primary ways in which you can meet prospects.
Below are some tips to creating an effective online profile.
If you have a track record of attracting and falling for bad people, I recommend following the example Isaac in the Bible and letting your accountability partner take the lead in finding people for you to talk to.
- Personal referrals -- Talk to all your trusted relatives, acquaintances, and friends to let them know that you are looking for a future mate now. Referrals from trusted sources are the most ideal prospects.
- Social events -- Plan to attend young adult spiritual retreats and more conference-wide church functions in order to meet people outside of your local congregation.
- Online dating sites -- Find a Christian dating site that is ideally church specific to your church or has the filters to narrow down people in your church. Create a profile on multiple sites to give yourself to chance to meet the most people.
Below are some tips to creating an effective online profile.
- Upload a well-lit, untouched torso photo of you alone.
- In your bio, mention the following: your career, what your relationship with God means to you, your hobbies, at least one thing you think you have to offer a prospective partner, and at least one important attribute you are looking for in a future mate.
- Be HONEST about all your stats, and complete all fields.
- For women, it is IMPERATIVE that you state on your profile: "I will not be exclusive with anyone who does not get approval from my [Accountability Partner title] first." This message helps to alert the courtship-minded man what he needs to do to win your love.
- For men, it is helpful to state on your profile something to the effect of: "I believe in courtship." This helps ladies know that you are serious about finding a wife.
If you have a track record of attracting and falling for bad people, I recommend following the example Isaac in the Bible and letting your accountability partner take the lead in finding people for you to talk to.
- This may look like you only reviewing an online dating site with your accountability partner present.
- Or it may look like you will not reach out or respond to anyone unless your accountability partner agrees.
- Or it may look like you stating on your profile that you will not give out your personal contact information to anyone who does not speak to your accountability partner first.